(Comedy) Plaza Fiction version of Check your male privilege questionaire

[AmyAmy]

The ABC put up a questionaire to "check your male privilege", that I think raises some pretty good points, and isn't funny at all, but...

The disadvantages faced by plaza protagonists are even worse than those experienced by real-life people. It set me thinking, and I made a questionaire so readers can compare themselves against them too. (Don't worry, it's completely stupid, there's no guilt-tripping.) Hopefully you will be amused rather than annoyed.

• I can work comfortably without fear of being tricked into a bondage game from which I cannot escape.
• I can walk down a public street without fear of being bundled into an unmarked white van, placed in inescapable rubber ultra-bondage and made into an object and/or cum-receptacle.
• If I fail in my job or career, I can feel sure this won't be taken as a sign that I need to become my immediate superior's sex-slave then abused and humiliated in front of my ex co-workers.
• The decision to hire me will never be based on my willingness to sign a decidly suspicious contract, that obliges me to cut myself off from my friends and family, give up my apartment, and move in to live 24-7 performing a job with a mysteriously vague description and no end-date.
• If I choose to have children, they will not be used as leverage to blackmail me into degrading work as a prostitute from which I earn nothing, catch STDs, and suffer violent abuses from sadistic customers.
• If I have a children and career, I won't wake up one day to suddenly find myself in the harem of a obscure foreign royalty, from which there is no escape.
• I can be assertive at work without being a domineering sadistic bisexual with a penchant for putting my employees into hardcore leather or rubber bondage then sadistically humiliating them.
• My ability to make important decisions and my capability in general will never be questioned depending on whether I have a healthy sex-life or not.
• I can look "up" to plenty of "professional" role models of my gender in the field of helpless submission and being a living decoration in a rich sociopath's mansion.
• When I ask to see "the person in charge", odds are I won't be tricked into a situation where I end up being blackmailed into bondage sex by them as revenge for some imagined slight.
• I can be confident that day-to-day "locker room" language includes lots of ways to demean, insult, objectify, and humiliate me. "Slut, whore, tart, cunt, chick, babe, easy, gagging for it, deserved it, asking for it, hungry for it, desperate," etc.
• I can make more money than my professional counterparts of the other gender, only for them to take revenge against this obvious injustice by ensuring that I am enslaved, degraded, and reduced to a sex-object fuck-toy.
• If I ever fail to treat a member of the opposite sex with anything other than fawning adoration, I definitely won't be kidnapped, enslaved, pierced, branded, exhibited like livestock, then methodically dehumanized and brainwashed to the point that I willingly exist only to provide sexual gratification to my oppressor.
• I can have a relationship without fear of my partner gradually escalating the bondage component until I am trapped in a life of slavery and become an object, devoid of hope or agency, kept as a pet for their amusement.
• I can learn of "human ponies" without discovering a secret wish inside myself to become one.
• I can look at, or even wear, rubber clothes without being reduced to a helpless addict who longs for nothing other than wearing rubber and sexual submission.
• I can visit, or even work in, a shop that sells sex toys without being used to demonstrate every piece of bondage equipment in the shop, and without having sex with several customers and employees.
• I can go to a boarding college without being re-educated as a submissive rubber/bondage addicted sex-slave.
• I can have a dispute with my life-partner without feeling a need to take revenge by imprisoning them, forcing them to dress and act according to cartoon stereotypes of the opposite gender, and then forcing them into sex with friends or neighbours.

Perhaps it's funnier if you are familiar with the original list:

•     I can work comfortably (or walk down a public street) without the fear of sexual harassment.
•     I have never felt unsafe because of my gender.
•     If I fail in my job or career, I can feel sure this won't be taken as a sign that people of my gender shouldn't be doing this type of work.
•     The decision to hire me will never be based on assumptions about whether or not I might choose to have a family sometime soon.
•     If I choose to have children, I'm not questioned about how having a family would hurt my ability to do my job.
•     If I have children and a career, no-one will think I'm selfish for not staying at home.
•     I can be assertive at work without being labelled "bitchy" or "bossy".
•     My ability to make important decisions and my capability in general will never be questioned depending on what time of the month it is.
•     I can look up to plenty of professional role models of my gender in my field.
•     When I ask to see "the person in charge", odds are I will face a person of my own gender.
•     I can be confident that day-to-day language always includes my gender. "All men are created equal," mailman, chairman, the man in the street, etc.
•     I make more money than my professional counterparts of the other gender.

[Eido]

Bwahahaha....thanks for the morning laugh! It's a good thing I put my cup down before I read this.

I want to add to the list, but I must think hard first so I don't ruin it.

One question. What is the ABC?

Eido

[AmyAmy]

The ABC is explained here: Wikipedia article on the ABC
I don't watch TV as such, but I read the web-site.

[AmyAmy]

Here's a few more:

• I can feel safe that I can have a night in with friends without getting involved in an escalating game of dares that puts me in ever increasing bondage and humiliation, ultimately leading to being coerced into participation in numerous sexual acts of questionable legality.
• I can feel comfortable that if I do somehow happen to end up performing numerous embarrassing dares to amuse my (so called) friends, they definitely won't record my humiliations as blackmail material so that they can force me to do something even worse next time.
• I can be confident that being placed in a bondage situation in the company of someone of the same gender won't result in my sudden and unexpected conversion from heterosexual orientation to homosexuality, or at the very least bisexuality.
• I am not afraid that my mail deliveries may contain highly embarrassing sex toys or outfits, that may be samples of hazardous supernatural power or technology, or that they will result in my permanent conversion into a barely-animate sex-object.

[Eido]

I can feel confident that consuming refreshments offered by friends or work associates will not result in awakening in a crate, as a doll, or in stringent bondage, awaiting my use as a tool for the sexual gratification of former friends, associates, and the public at large.

Also, there should be some way to incorporate one or more of these into a story contest prompt.