Hey Adam,
I think you may have given up too soon. I think the story was good and well written. I do not believe too many writers here look back at their first stories without thinking it was not what they wanted to produce. With practice comes quality and practice comes through repititon. Words my father said to me many years ago about something much different than writing. But it holds true to every endevour I ever set upon.
If you find the time...try again. You may be surprised.
Dana -- EPL