Switching Denied

[le Bouc]

So this is more of a confession and self-analysis than anything else, but any thoughts are appreciated.

I have never been 'in the scene' but always had a fetish for BDSM and being the dominate. I had been at the edges of it before I found my wife, or she found me. Anyway after years of committed bliss and being in charge in the bedroom I felt like things were getting stale for myself. Having read some stories on this site that opened me to the prospect of being submissive to my wife, I thought it might be a fun change to spice things up. I tried on a couple of occasions to surprise her with a couple of different scenes: being found in self-bondage, gagged and collared, handcuffed, etc. I even tried seeing how she felt about me wearing a chastity cage for a time.

All this seemed to really bother her and she refused to go along with any of it. In no uncertain terms she put it to me that she wanted and needed me to always be the dominate and her my submissive. This confused me as to why she wouldn't like to try to switch from time to time (nothing too out of bound for her like pegging), and ultimately who was really in control. I thought it novel that a sub demanded to be always treated as such. It hit me that really, she is the center of attention as the sub and that's where her gratification comes from, being the one with no control receiving sensual and sadist attention (pleasure and pain). As the dom, it was eyeopening and if anything helped me be a better dominate and see things from her perspective. I even envy how much attention she gets if that makes any sense.

Au Revoir,
Le Bouc

[Geetwo]

Very similar to my wife and me many years ago. It simply did not suit of either of us and we reverted to maleDom and femsub and have never changed since. We all have our unique differences and preferences and if you and your partner have a relationship that works equally well for both, you are very lucky.

Cheers
Geetwo

[Observer]

So this is more of a confession and self-analysis than anything else, but any thoughts are appreciated.

I have never been 'in the scene' but always had a fetish for BDSM and being the dominate. I had been at the edges of it before I found my wife, or she found me. Anyway after years of committed bliss and being in charge in the bedroom I felt like things were getting stale for myself. Having read some stories on this site that opened me to the prospect of being submissive to my wife, I thought it might be a fun change to spice things up. I tried on a couple of occasions to surprise her with a couple of different scenes: being found in self-bondage, gagged and collared, handcuffed, etc. I even tried seeing how she felt about me wearing a chastity cage for a time.

All this seemed to really bother her and she refused to go along with any of it. In no uncertain terms she put it to me that she wanted and needed me to always be the dominate and her my submissive. This confused me as to why she wouldn't like to try to switch from time to time (nothing too out of bound for her like pegging), and ultimately who was really in control. I thought it novel that a sub demanded to be always treated as such. It hit me that really, she is the center of attention as the sub and that's where her gratification comes from, being the one with no control receiving sensual and sadist attention (pleasure and pain). As the dom, it was eyeopening and if anything helped me be a better dominate and see things from her perspective. I even envy how much attention she gets if that makes any sense.

Au Revoir,
Le Bouc

This attitude - that the dom, to be a convincing dom, must always be a dom, is not really fair to the dom IMO.  It's a bit... "old school" - the kind of things I would hear 20, 25 years ago.  However, it's not realistic to expect people to be entirely rational - you can't just expect someone to "get over it" or change their mind about something like this, at least not quickly or easily.

Being in the scene can help you meet other people with different dynamics, perspective, and broaden your horizon and point of view.  It can help.

Lasly, please, please, you're a dominant, not a dominate.  Dominate is grammatically incorrect and silly.  (Dom is fine too)

[le Bouc]

As Mark Twain once said, "I was educated once, but I got over it." Egg on face for grammar aside, we enjoy each other and our roles. That's why I like this site as sometimes it's a nice vacation for my mind. I contemplate if I were submissive to my wife via fantasy because that's not how she is and she's never been comfortable with Femdom. I love her to pieces and wouldn't change anything about her. Like I alluded to, it's nice to step outside sometimes, even if it's only in a fantasy.

Le Bouc

[jackierabbit1]

Perhaps you've merely planted the proverbial seeds that will geminate in a few years time; let her know that you're up for something a bit different when she maybe wants a change herself. Not that it's exactly the same thing, but in matters of physical security (something as simple and respectful as walking on a city street) my husband's body is always placed between the perceived threat and myself. So different roles for different situations with us.

 Now in other things I take the lead more naturally now, but even back as teens we had a bit of this going on, as he had a way of letting me know that my desires trumped his own. Not just in matters of the flesh, but in things like "where do you want to go tonight?" So, if this is something you'd like to strive for (having a vacation from being in charge and all that) why don't you start small with something outside of the bedroom first, and then maybe move to things within the bedroom if that works out?

 So much here also rests on what you two bring to the table, does this kind of structure and authority run in either (or even both) of your families? If so, it might be hard to start thinking in a new way, but not impossible.

Best wishes, Jackie.

[Observer]

As Mark Twain once said, "I was educated once, but I got over it." Egg on face for grammar aside, we enjoy each other and our roles. That's why I like this site as sometimes it's a nice vacation for my mind. I contemplate if I were submissive to my wife via fantasy because that's not how she is and she's never been comfortable with Femdom. I love her to pieces and wouldn't change anything about her. Like I alluded to, it's nice to step outside sometimes, even if it's only in a fantasy.

Le Bouc

Re-reading this I'm not too please with myself for scolding you re grammar.  Not very kind of me.  But it's one that seems to bother a lot of people (not just me) so it's why I felt the need to warn you... better here on a quiet part of the web than say a big discussion on Fetlife? 

Re your wife:  I don't think 100% fetish/kink compability is possible.  The question is if it's compatible enough, and if the situation is "tolerable".  I'm ok that my spouse and I don't 100% align kink wise... but if she had no interest in latex, that wouldn't work. 

And yeah, reading and writing stories can be good to explore fantasies and ideas... as long as we realize that not all fantasies will come true.