Switching Denied

[le Bouc]

So this is more of a confession and self-analysis than anything else, but any thoughts are appreciated.

I have never been 'in the scene' but always had a fetish for BDSM and being the dominate. I had been at the edges of it before I found my wife, or she found me. Anyway after years of committed bliss and being in charge in the bedroom I felt like things were getting stale for myself. Having read some stories on this site that opened me to the prospect of being submissive to my wife, I thought it might be a fun change to spice things up. I tried on a couple of occasions to surprise her with a couple of different scenes: being found in self-bondage, gagged and collared, handcuffed, etc. I even tried seeing how she felt about me wearing a chastity cage for a time.

All this seemed to really bother her and she refused to go along with any of it. In no uncertain terms she put it to me that she wanted and needed me to always be the dominate and her my submissive. This confused me as to why she wouldn't like to try to switch from time to time (nothing too out of bound for her like pegging), and ultimately who was really in control. I thought it novel that a sub demanded to be always treated as such. It hit me that really, she is the center of attention as the sub and that's where her gratification comes from, being the one with no control receiving sensual and sadist attention (pleasure and pain). As the dom, it was eyeopening and if anything helped me be a better dominate and see things from her perspective. I even envy how much attention she gets if that makes any sense.

Au Revoir,
Le Bouc

[Geetwo]

Very similar to my wife and me many years ago. It simply did not suit of either of us and we reverted to maleDom and femsub and have never changed since. We all have our unique differences and preferences and if you and your partner have a relationship that works equally well for both, you are very lucky.

Cheers
Geetwo

[Observer]

So this is more of a confession and self-analysis than anything else, but any thoughts are appreciated.

I have never been 'in the scene' but always had a fetish for BDSM and being the dominate. I had been at the edges of it before I found my wife, or she found me. Anyway after years of committed bliss and being in charge in the bedroom I felt like things were getting stale for myself. Having read some stories on this site that opened me to the prospect of being submissive to my wife, I thought it might be a fun change to spice things up. I tried on a couple of occasions to surprise her with a couple of different scenes: being found in self-bondage, gagged and collared, handcuffed, etc. I even tried seeing how she felt about me wearing a chastity cage for a time.

All this seemed to really bother her and she refused to go along with any of it. In no uncertain terms she put it to me that she wanted and needed me to always be the dominate and her my submissive. This confused me as to why she wouldn't like to try to switch from time to time (nothing too out of bound for her like pegging), and ultimately who was really in control. I thought it novel that a sub demanded to be always treated as such. It hit me that really, she is the center of attention as the sub and that's where her gratification comes from, being the one with no control receiving sensual and sadist attention (pleasure and pain). As the dom, it was eyeopening and if anything helped me be a better dominate and see things from her perspective. I even envy how much attention she gets if that makes any sense.

Au Revoir,
Le Bouc

This attitude - that the dom, to be a convincing dom, must always be a dom, is not really fair to the dom IMO.  It's a bit... "old school" - the kind of things I would hear 20, 25 years ago.  However, it's not realistic to expect people to be entirely rational - you can't just expect someone to "get over it" or change their mind about something like this, at least not quickly or easily.

Being in the scene can help you meet other people with different dynamics, perspective, and broaden your horizon and point of view.  It can help.

Lasly, please, please, you're a dominant, not a dominate.  Dominate is grammatically incorrect and silly.  (Dom is fine too)

[le Bouc]

As Mark Twain once said, "I was educated once, but I got over it." Egg on face for grammar aside, we enjoy each other and our roles. That's why I like this site as sometimes it's a nice vacation for my mind. I contemplate if I were submissive to my wife via fantasy because that's not how she is and she's never been comfortable with Femdom. I love her to pieces and wouldn't change anything about her. Like I alluded to, it's nice to step outside sometimes, even if it's only in a fantasy.

Le Bouc

[jackierabbit1]

Perhaps you've merely planted the proverbial seeds that will geminate in a few years time; let her know that you're up for something a bit different when she maybe wants a change herself. Not that it's exactly the same thing, but in matters of physical security (something as simple and respectful as walking on a city street) my husband's body is always placed between the perceived threat and myself. So different roles for different situations with us.

Now in other things I take the lead more naturally now, but even back as teens we had a bit of this going on, as he had a way of letting me know that my desires trumped his own. Not just in matters of the flesh, but in things like "where do you want to go tonight?" So, if this is something you'd like to strive for (having a vacation from being in charge and all that) why don't you start small with something outside of the bedroom first, and then maybe move to things within the bedroom if that works out?

So much here also rests on what you two bring to the table, does this kind of structure and authority run in either (or even both) of your families? If so, it might be hard to start thinking in a new way, but not impossible.

Best wishes, Jackie.

[Observer]

As Mark Twain once said, "I was educated once, but I got over it." Egg on face for grammar aside, we enjoy each other and our roles. That's why I like this site as sometimes it's a nice vacation for my mind. I contemplate if I were submissive to my wife via fantasy because that's not how she is and she's never been comfortable with Femdom. I love her to pieces and wouldn't change anything about her. Like I alluded to, it's nice to step outside sometimes, even if it's only in a fantasy.

Le Bouc

Re-reading this I'm not too please with myself for scolding you re grammar.  Not very kind of me.  But it's one that seems to bother a lot of people (not just me) so it's why I felt the need to warn you... better here on a quiet part of the web than say a big discussion on Fetlife? 

Re your wife:  I don't think 100% fetish/kink compability is possible.  The question is if it's compatible enough, and if the situation is "tolerable".  I'm ok that my spouse and I don't 100% align kink wise... but if she had no interest in latex, that wouldn't work. 

And yeah, reading and writing stories can be good to explore fantasies and ideas... as long as we realize that not all fantasies will come true.

[le Bouc]

So as I'm writing a new story that came to me over this weekend, it hit me that a major tenant of Femdom is sexual denial and frustration. Therefore in a convoluted way, my sub wife's reluctance to take on a Domme role is denying me psychological and sexual gratification; the adage of "wanting what you can never have". Certainly, there is a fantasy aspect to it on my part as it may never be as good/fulfilling as I imagine it and set myself up for disappointment (wanting is better than getting). As I said in a previous post, I have got my wife to take baby steps into it (such as playfully smacking my butt and lightly slapping my balls) and we did have a very constructive talk recently about my needs and why. I may get her to up her game just a bit, but I don't want to rush her into anything she's uncomfortable with as I know it would just bulldoze the progress made. That said, that evening we did have a very pleasurable session with both of us in our usual roles  .  I'd especially appreciate if @Jackierabbit1 and @teanndaorsa or any Dommes in committed relationships would give any thoughts and opinions on this. Again, I'm working Femdom into a much bigger story than I've done before and would appreciate a female perspective. Thanks!

Best Regards,

le Bouc

[teanndaorsa]

I would counter a little, and suggest that it is not that sexual denial is a major tenet of female domination, and more that female domination is about assertion of control. In a relationship where sexual pleasure is the norm, denial becomes the most effective expression of control, in that relationship. Denial, when pleasure was not previously normally given, is far less meaningful.

This, to me, is the nature of a dominant / submissive relationship. Not any one particular form of control, but a reaction against the norms of that relationship. For example if physical dominance is the norm, the dominant might counter that to reduce the more 'powerful' partner, via bondage, or some other means. Those in that relationship can appreciate that it need not be defined by those traditional roles, or by expectations of who should be in charge.

Power is defined by the ability to get what you want. You might be physically stronger, but unless you are going to force your partner to submit, that strength means little. You might have economic  power, but that does not buy you control over your partner's body, in these modern times at least. Why is denial such a powerful tool, for a female dominant? Because it ignores the traditional advantages men have, and focuses instead on the advantage women have: the power over pleasure. If you are not prepared to take that pleasure, forcibly, then denial is an effective tool.

But the denial is not the point. It's a tool, a means to exercise control. Just like bondage, or coercion, or any of the other means at your disposal. The control isn't the point either, it's just something that can be... fun. Interesting. I don't think that any of these things are absolutes, or even generalities. But those who play with domination and submission I think find similar themes playing out.

[le Bouc]

Thank you Teann for the clarifications! I may be conflating sadism/masochism with Femdom, and I think there is area to overlap the two. I think too that as I write, I don't have firsthand experience with Femdom (neither does my wife) and don't want to misrepresent it. All my life I've been perceived as a 'tough guy' and been put in charge (even if it wasn't my event). I get what I can from produced video and stories (which are likely over the top) and focus on the physiological aspects more than the psychological. I know there are those for whom it's a way of life (as in any fetish lifestyle) but they are at the ends of the bell-curve. I like your definition of control being the key aspect. I'm also interested in the female dominate and pleasure derived from their submissive, both from a physical and psychological aspect. Thank you Teann for your thoughts!

P.S One additional thought came to me as I was pondering your views. The pleasure from controlling someone else is easy to grasp, whereas the pleasure from being controlled is a more difficult concept (at least for me). That's why I think I'm so fascinated with Femdom stories and what male writers find invigorating. But I'm open to it, if and when my partner is, to see what the other side of the coin is like. As you said, it (the scene/roleplay) should be interesting and fun    Thanks again! Now I'll shut up and listen.