94
M/m, M/f, M2f, reluctant, date
I stood in horrified shock as I held the letter in my shaking grasp, reading the impossible text over and over and over again. I wanted so desperately to deny the words I was reading, to pretend that it wasn’t for me. But try as I might, I couldn't reject reality.
FOR MR. ALEXANDER CHAPMAN: THANK YOU FOR ENLISTING IN THE FEDERAL REPRODUCTION PROGRAM. THIS NOTICE IS TO INFORM YOU OF THE APPROVAL OF YOUR PARTICIPATION IN THE PROGRAM. THIS IS NOT A SUMMONS. THIS IS TO NOTIFY ALL PARTIES INVOLVED OF YOUR PARTICIPATION. SHOULD YOUR NUMBER BE CALLED, YOU WILL CONTACTED BY AN ENFORCEMENT OFFICER. YOU WILL FOLLOW THEIR INSTRUCTIONS CLEARLY SO THAT YOUR FEMINIZATION CAN BEGIN WITHOUT ISSUE. COMPLIANCE IS MANDATORY. FAILURE TO COMPLY MAY RESULT IN PENALTIES RANGING FROM FINES TO PRISON TIME. THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION.
This didn’t make any sense. I’d specifically turned away the recruiter when she came to my school looking for potential recruits. There should have been no way for me to have been forcibly enlisted, after all, the voluntary enlistment rate had been high recently. There was no threat of a draft. The only way I could have been forcibly enlisted…
My heart suddenly sank as the realization dawned on me. Dropping the letter, I bolted down the hall to the kitchen, shouting for my mother in confused fury. “Mom!” my voice shuddered from the force of the tears i desperately choked back. “The mail…” I panted as I reached the threshold of the kitchen. My mother stood with her back to me, diligently working on our dinner for the evening. “There's a letter. Please, tell me you didn’t…”
My mom froze for a moment before wiping her hands clean on a towel and turning toward me. My heart lurched at the sight of the guilty tears in her eyes. “Oh Alex…” I shook my head in horror as she approached me. “Baby, I had to. It was the only way to get your tuition paid for when you graduate!” I tried to turn away but she refused to let me, making me look her in the eyes. Grief dulled her usually bright gaze. She knew what she’d done. “I mean, sweetheart, it’s not like you’re likely to get called anyway! And - and even if you are, I mean, look at you…” she stepped back, looking me over as if sizing me up. “You’re perfect for the program!”
I knew what she was referring to and I hated it. Standing at 5’8”, I’d always known I had a smaller build than your average 18 year old male. My face never seemed to want to grow any amount of hair, and the hair on my head seemed to grow out faster than I could cut it. I’d been called pretty, and very easily mistaken for a girl when I was younger. Some might even have called me a twink. A perfect candidate for the Forced Feminization program which had been implemented to compensate for the inexplicable lack of cis women being born in recent decades. But that was never a path I wanted to take. So long as a draft was never issued, I wanted nothing to do with the fascists who demanded a percentage of males under 30 be taken to be turned into submissive housewives.
And yet that choice had been taken away from me by my own mother.
“You had no right…” I managed to choke out the tears I held back. My mother scowled at that, seeming to tower over me.
“I had every right to secure your future. You and I both know your grades aren’t good enough for a scholarship. And you’ve never been one for sports, how else was I supposed to get you into college?” as she spoke she seemed to grow more and more angry, puffing out her chest in self-righteous fury. “I’ve done everything I could to guarantee you could live a happy fulfilling life, and even if they do call on you, it would still be so! I should know, I went through it myself!”
She was right, of course, she had been through the feminization program, as had most women of this generation. And she was a happy woman, up until my father had left her. Now, the only goal she had in her life was to try to make mine something she could be proud of.
Whether I liked it or not.
“Listen, Alex,” she said, starting to calm down as she sat me down at the nearby table. “I love you. You know I would do anything for you. But I can't do it all. Please. Don’t be mad at me. I only had your best interests at heart.”
I was mad at her. I didn’t think I would ever stop being mad at her. But at the same time, I understood. I hated it. But I understood.
One way or another, my mother had secured me a future. Which way that future went was no longer up to me.
Five years had passed since I received the notice. Five years since I’d graduated high school. I had taken a year to myself to gather my thoughts and decide what exactly I wanted to do with my life. I’d never quite known exactly what kind of career I wanted, all I knew for sure was I loved to cook.
It was something of an art for me. The way you could combine flavors, transforming a dish into something new, unique.
I could lose myself in the kitchen.
I guess that’s why, after graduating highschool, i found myself working the grill at a small town restaurant to pay my way through college. Tuition might have been covered by my involuntary enlistment into the Reproduction Program, but the college I chose was too far away for me to simply live at home.
I’d eventually learned to be sort of grateful for my mother’s actions, even if they still left a bitter taste in my mouth. After all, without her I never would have been able to attend culinary school.
The job I worked was decent, albeit stressful. My boss was a no nonsense woman, the kind that didn’t have to go through the program, who seemed to take a special interest in me. She appreciated my dedication to the kitchen and encouraged my studies, going so far as to give me time off to study when needed. She even let me experiment in the kitchen. So proud of me was she that she would occasionally bring me out to the floor to greet customers who insisted on meeting the chef.
This was always an embarrassment for me, as the customers, naturally, were almost always men.
And they always took a liking to me.
It wasn’t too bad, I could usually handle them and, as embarrassing as it was, I couldn't deny that I kind of enjoyed being the center of attention, even if it was because of my more feminine appearance. Even though I knew they were only interested in me because I was a twink who had not been claimed, I knew that the odds of them ever coming back were low.
That is until I met Adam.
It was a sunday evening and April, my boss, was out on the floor cleaning up after a slow day. I was in the kitchen, getting the grills cleaned when I heard the unmistakable DING DING of the front door swinging open. April greeted the guest, who must’ve sat down at the bar. I couldn’t quite tell what they were saying, but I could tell that the guest was, unsurprisingly, a man. A rather large man if his voice was anything to go by. It was deep. Almost primal in it’s sound as though it came from someone who was more beast than man. It made me feel small, and grateful that I was on this side of the wall. I could only imagine what a beast like him could do if he got his hands on-
“OW! FUCK!” I swore as pain exploded from the top of my knuckle. I’d gotten so distracted listening that I had accidentally slipped and touched the upper platen of the grill press with my knuckle. April popped her head into the kitchen to check on me, having heard my cursing.
“Alex, love, you okay?” she asked, worry on her face.
“Yeah, I just burned myself. Got careless.'' I answered, going over to the sink and running lukewarm water over the burn. April rushed into the office, rooting through the first aid kit.
“I’ve got some burn cream in here somewhere. Can you go out to the bar while I look for it? Customer out there just wants a coffee.”
My heart froze in my chest, knowing there was no way to avoid going out to meet this monster of a man. And I especially couldn’t let April know of my fears, she’d never let me hear the end of it. I steeled myself, letting out a shaky “yeah, yeah sure.” before slowly making my way out of the kitchen.
As I glanced back, I could swear I saw a smirk on April’s face.
“Hi there, you just needed a coffee, right?” I asked the man as I stepped sheepishly behind the bar. The man was every bit the monster his voice portrayed him to be. Even sitting at the bar he was still taller than me, which put his height at at least 6’2”. His large build suggested he was a laborer of some kind, maybe construction, or farm work. A clean beard framed his face, and barely concealed the smirk that crossed his lips.
“That’s right, doll.” He spoke, his voice now unimpeded, nearly sending me to my knees.
It was all I could do to hide the quiver in my voice as I turned my back to him, unable to meet his gaze.
“Um - right away. Would you, uh - would you like any cream or sugar?” I asked as I stumbled through setting up the coffee machine, my nerves turning a task I could do in my sleep into a near impossible riddle.
“Yeah, I’ll take 2 cream, and…3 sugars please.” he replied calmly. I could practically feel his eyes boring into my back as I worked. “And, uh, take your time.” I took that to heart, taking a deep breath as I kept my eyes on the coffee machine, watching it brew at an agonizingly slow pace. I tried desperately to focus on the coffee, to forget about the beast behind me, just inches away. fuck Alex, get it together! He’s just another customer! I took a deep breath, my heart finally managing to slow to a more reasonable pace when the man spoke again, sending a jolt up my entire body.
“So what’s your name, doll?” he asked, that smirk never leaving his voice. I managed to choke out a response, silently commanding the coffee to brew faster. It never even occurred to me that I’d give him my actual name, Alexander, not until later. Usually I gave customers a nickname, it helped dissuade them from seeking me out in the Reproduction Registry. I could practically feel his smirk widen into a proper smile.
“Alexander. I like that name. It’s the name of a conqueror. You don’t mind if I call you Alex, do you? Or I could just keep calling you doll.”
I took a shuddering breath, relief flooding my entire body as the coffee finally finished brewing. I took the mug out, fumbling with the sugar cubes as I plopped them in, dropping one in my haste to finish his drink. Finally, it was ready. I hurriedly handed it to him, prepared to dart back into the kitchen when he suddenly grabbed my hand, turning it so the top was visible.
“You’re hurt!” he noted, concern evident in his voice.
“It’s nothing, just a light burn. April’s getting me medicine for it……” My voice trailed off as I found myself focusing on the feel of my hand in his. The difference in size was undeniable, with my own hand fitting almost neatly in the palm of his. It was coarse. Rough from the work he did. So lost in the feeling was i that I didn't even realize he’d been talking until he placed a little bottle of burn cream on the counter.
“May i?” he asked. I couldn’t bring myself to speak, so I only nodded. He deftly dispensed a tiny amount of the soothing lotion onto his finger and began to tenderly massage it into the wound. A tiny whimper escaped my throat at the sting of the lotion before it’s soothing effects began to take hold, eliciting a soft sigh of relief. My eyes remained fixed on our hands intertwined as he worked, though I could feel him watching me.
All too soon it was over. He released my hand and grabbed his coffee, taking a sip. I offered up a meek thank you, holding my hand close to my chest as it now felt strangely cold, as though it was missing something. I turned to hurry back to the kitchen, refusing to look him in the eyes, only to stop as he called out to me. “Hey!” he said in mock indignation. “You never asked my name.”
I turned to face him finally, finally meeting his gaze. “What - what is your name?” I stammered.
“Adam.” came his response.
“Adam.” I echoed, his name sounding infuriatingly delightful on my tongue. “Pleasure to meet you Adam.”
“Please.” he practically purred, sending shivers down my spine. “The pleasure was all mine.” With that, he rose from his seat, tossing a twenty on the counter. “You have a lovely night, doll.” he said before turning and strolling out the door.
That night, between fits of restlessness, I dreamed only of the large, powerful man wrapping me in his arm and holding me close, safe from all the dangers of the world.
It had been two weeks and, much to my relieved dismay, Adam had not come back. It was for the best. Without him around I could relax, focus on my work and my studies. It didn’t escape my notice, however, that ever since my meeting Adam April had yet to bring me out to meet guests. I knew that some of them had become repeat customers, occasionally asking for me, but April seemed disinterested in their requests. Needless to say, i was grateful for this change. It meant i spent more time in the kitchen doing what I loved, and less time being eye candy for a bunch of men who were no doubt fantasizing about putting in a ticket for me with the Reproduction Program.
Still, April couldn’t keep me away from the public for long. Even though my shift ended late, there was always the chance that I’d have to walk past lingering customers. And there were always customers sitting by the hallway leading to the bathroom.
This, of course, led to an incident that stayed with me for quite a while.
“April, imma take five!” I called back to April as she picked up the latest customer’s order. I turned to my coworker, a man by the name of Jordan. “I’ll be right back.”
“No worries, we’re slowing down anyway.” Jordan responded as i made my way toward the floor. The fool. He should have known better than to speak such forbidden language in a kitchen. you’ve doomed us all! I thought jokingly to myself as i stepped into the hallway leading to the bathrooms past a table of rowdy guys, all of whom seemed to keep their eyes locked on me. I did my best to ignore them.
It didn’t do me much good on my way back out.
“Hey pretty boy.” one of them called out as i passed once again. I tried to pick up the pace, only to be yanked back painfully as one of them grabbed my wrist.
“Hey c’mon, don’t be like that.” said the guy who had grabbed me. “We’ve missed seeing you around, i thought you liked us!”
I turned to face them, my heart slamming in my chest as i desperately tried to think of a way out of this. I recognized two of them. James and Ethan i think their names were. I stammered, trying to defuse the situation. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to be rude i just have to get back to work-”
“Aw, c’mon, stay a while. You never come out to talk to any of us anymore.” Ethan said. “It’s almost like you’re avoiding us!”
I glanced back desperately, looking for April. She was on the other side of the restaurant, laughing with another group of customers as she served them. She seemed to have no idea of the situation unfolding.
“You know, you’re far too pretty to be stuck in a place like this.” James said as he rose from his seat. “If you give me your registry number, i could find you easy enough in the recruitment list and…make your life so much better.” he reached out, grabbing my chin as i whimpered, trying to pull away.
“Please stop…” i managed to squeak.
“Oh c’mon, darling, don’t be like that.” he smirked, leaning in close. “Or rather do keep being like that. With that behavior you honestly make a much more convincing girl than-”
“The boy asked you to stop.” the familiar voice cut through the panic, sending a burst of electricity through my body. Even after a couple weeks I could still recognize Adam’s terrifying, unyielding voice. Ethan and Jordan both looked up to see the man towering behind me, and they both cautiously let me go.
“Or what?” Ethan challenged as he too stood up.
Before anyone else could react i felt Adams arms wrap me up from behind, pulling me close to his chest. “You don’t want to find out.” he growled. It was strange. I’d never expected i could feel safe in the presence of a man like Adam, yet here i was. Arms almost as thick as tree trunks, holding me tight while he leveled his threats toward those who would do me harm. Begrudgingly, i felt what could only be described as gratitude, and…
Adoration?
That didn’t make any sense to me. My entire behavior around Adam made no sense. I was a man, a man who was only interested in women. I wasn’t supposed to feel like this, especially not toward someone like Adam who could never be in the feminization program.
I shook my head slightly, trying to clear it. I couldn’t quite hear what was being said, but i felt Adam turn slightly, his grip loosening so that i could flee. It took every ounce of will power i had to pull myself away from is comforting embrace and disappear back into the kitchen. Notably, Adam did not try to stop me.
Several moments passed before i was able to finally calm myself. At some point, April had caught wind of what was happening and kicked the trouble makers out. Even so, i couldn’t bring myself to come out of the kitchen.
Nor could i focus on cooking, either.
I found myself idly rooting through our spices, unsure of what i was looking for. Maybe i wasn’t looking for anything. The only thing on my mind was Adam, his arms wrapped around me protectively.
Treacherously, my mind, my heart, wanted nothing more than to rush back into his arms.
It made no sense.
“Alex!” April’s voice called out, a mixture of irritation and concern. I snapped out of my trance, looking up to realize I’d rearranged the spices in alphabetical order.
“Yeah what’s up April?” i asked, trying to save face.
“You okay?” she asked, stepping into the kitchen. “You’ve been rearranging the spices for the past twenty minutes.” i didn’t respond at first, instead turning toward the expo window.
“Yeah yeah, i’m fine.” i replied unconvincingly.
April, of course, saw right through me. “Hey. why don’t you go out to the bar and chat with Adam, hmm? I think at the very least a thank you is in order.”
“Yeah right. A thank you.” i scoffed irritably. “For what? Manhandling me? Stepping into a situation i had well in hand? I didn’t ask for his help!”
April smiled knowingly, walking up to me. “Oh yes, you had the situation well in hand. If Adam hadn’t stepped in you’d have wound up in their trunk or something.”
“Like you’d let that happen.” i retorted sheepishly.
“No, but i also didn’t realize what was happening until Adam got involved. You gotta stop being so…independent. It’s okay to ask for help, love.”
I sighed, shaking my head as i turned to face her. Finally, without a word, i brushed past her, making my way out to the bar.
Most of the customers by now had left. Adam sat at the bar, chatting with Jordan, who seemed quite interested in him. Adam, on the other hand, was only mildly interested in Jordan, clearly not reciprocating what Jordan was offering, much to my satisfaction.
It was infuriating.
As i walked around behind the bar, Adam seemed to perk up, his eyes locking onto me like a hunter. Warmth spread across my cheeks as i blushed, trying not to make eye contact. “I uh…” i slowly made my way over to him. “Thank you. For, y’know. Earlier.”
Adam smiled, shaking his head. “No need to thank me, Alex.” My heart seemed to skip a beat, having expected him to call me doll like usual, only to feel a strange emptiness when he didn’t.
It made no sense.
I cleared my throat, turning to the coffee maker. “So, uhm…coffee again?”
Adam nodded, smiling. “Yup. coffee. 2 cream, 3 sugar." Once more he kept his eyes on me while I worked, a watchful predator that had found his prey. My nerves shot through the roof yet again, though this time i managed the coffee machine with a little more precision than a toddler. I actually managed to avoid dropping the sugar this time. I once more handed him the coffee and he thanked me, taking my hand once again. He turned it to look at my wound from a couple weeks ago, and smiled. “It’s healed up nicely. Can’t even tell there was ever a burn.”
“I-yeah. I guess. Thank you, again.” i stammered out.
“Oh of course.” he said, looking over my hand as if examining it. “It was no big deal at all. After all, it wouldn't do for a beauty like you to get all marked up, now can we?”
My heart lurched at that, as though I’d just taken off into the sky. I'd been called pretty before. Attractive, sexy even. But not once has anyone ever called me beautiful
There was almost a reverence to the word. As though it was sacred and he meant it, with no ulterior motives.
For the first time in my life i actually enjoyed the feminine compliments of another man.
And I wanted him to do it again.
I suddenly snatched my hand away, mentally swatting away the feelings that had suddenly flooded me. I wasn’t supposed to feel these things, not for a man. It made no sense.
It made no sense.
“Right, um…” I cleared my throat as i backed away, almosts knocking over the coffee maker as i backed into it. “Can i get you anything else or…”
“This is perfect, thank you.” he smiled, raising the glass to me before taking a sip. He met my gaze, a knowing look in his eyes, as though he could read every thought i was desperately trying to crush and bury. I feared that if he looked any longer, he’d know my every thought, my every dream.
And so i turned and i ran.
Quickly disappearing back into the kitchen, i threw my apron onto the hook and declared i was clocking out. Before April could say a word, i was out the door, halfway down the street as i continued to fight the feelings that were battling inside me.
It made no sense.
It made no sense.
It made. No. Sense.
to be continued...
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