Maidbots > Maidbots.net stories feedback

The Android-Maid-Easy Factory by DownTheHobbittHole

(1/1)

Gromet:
You can view the story here on the plaza:

http://www.maidbots.net/storiesad/androidmaideasyfactory.html
Solo-F; factory; tour; machine/f; accident; mistake; strip; clean; wax; process; costume; maid; package; box; sealed; stuck; cons/nc; X

Please feel free to leave your kind comments and feedback about this story here.

Thanks  ;)

Abbacor:
 
This was an interesting idea. Maybe not quite the way I would have gone with it in the end, but then again I didn't write it.   ;)

Over all it was okay and not too poorly written. There were several common mistakes with word tense or word selections such as your and you're being improperly used. These can generally be overlooked or ignored if they are no too prevalent. Sadly, all of that was overshadowed by a very large and bad choice in writing.
 
Unfortunately the author kept switching the point of view of the main protagonist way too many times. It went from a third person point of view, then tried to draw the reader in by making it seem to be the reader as the main character in a second point of view, then switched to a third person point of view (actually managing to hit both the limited and omniscient styles at different places) and kept switching throughout the story. This is very distracting and can get rather confusing for the reader. You need to choose a single point of view for the story and stick with it from beginning to end.
 
The story has definite potential and could be a good one with some better editing done on it.
 

Gromet:
I believe that this story was a roleplay between two people, hence the switches between views.

djxzinik:

--- Quote from: Gromet on October 08, 2018, 01:18:28 am ---I believe that this story was a roleplay between two people, hence the switches between views.

--- End quote ---
yeah should be that but still its kinda weird to have so many changes of perspective in so few lines, but still its a good story, and has some really good potential if it's premise is further developed

Navigation

[0] Message Index