Requesting critique and opinion

[Arkane]

A story of mine (title: Cuckoldress) is now appearing at Gagged Utopia site [ http://www.utopiastories.com/home.asp ]
I didn't submit it here because I don't know if it's compliant with Gromet's Plaza boundaries. To this moment, I've received not a single comment and the point rating is rather on the meh side of things, 3.5 where 4 seems the minimum for a well received story (I don't know it the plot, relying mostly on a male sub, can be at fault, or if maybe it's simply not so good).

If some reader here wants to check it and give me his/her opinion I would be grateful.
Thanks in advance.

[ElectroPainLover]

Hi Arkane,

First off...there is no reason I can see for your story to be 'outside' of Gromet's guidelines. Cuckolding is a common and allowed theme. As for any other portions, it falls well within guidelines.

As for why it might not be getting as high of a score you are hoping for (I gave it a 4) could be that it could use a bit more editing. I noticed a couple "an + consonant" where "a" is for consonants and "an" is for vowels. Several other errors were also appearant and I am unsure how much readers on GaggedUtopia mark off for grammar and spelling.

Again, there is no reason not to submit it to Gromet for use on the site...It is a very good story and is well within the guidelines Gromet requires of stories he will publish.

Dana -- EPL

[Arkane]

Thank you... I could do better but my grammar (my english in general) will never be perfect.
Using another language is difficult enough, writing fiction is waaay more difficult.

[ElectroPainLover]

I wish my English was better...and I am a native speaker. English is hard to write in even for a native speaker. There are a lot of little quirks with writing in it and the 'a' vs. 'an' is one many people miss. Like I said, the story is quite good and does not violate any of Gromet's rules. A little extra editing my get some higher reviews but I believe it will do well here.

I usually have to read my stories several days after I finish them to find my errors as I am not in writing mode, but editing mode, by then.

Again...good story. Suggested storycodes are: MF/m; MF; rope; cuckold; sex; denial; gag; bfold; cbt; spank; torment; cd; vag; oral; breathplay; orgasm; cons; X

Dana -- EPL

Added breathplay to the codes.

[Arkane]

,
I usually have to read my stories several days after I finish them to find my errors as I am not in writing mode, but editing mode, by then.

Oh yeah. I do the same. If I didn't, the final result would be unreadable.
But probably I was hurried here. My only story posted in Gromet Plaza (Anonymus Hooded Bondage Pinup) is better, it was written and controlled with more care.
I think I'll post "Cuckoldress" for Gromet's consideration, but I'll try to edit it more before doing it.

[ElectroPainLover]

I'm glad you're going to submit it to Gromet...just give him time to get it posted. He is a bit backed up right now. I have about 9 stories I've submitted and am waiting for them to be posted.

Please keep writing and submitting them to Gromet. I believe you have a good writing style and will fit in well here.

Dana

[64Fordman]

Hi Arkane,

First of all I noticed your story was posted on Sunday 11/6. Football, Auto Racing, etc., I’m pretty sure commenting on erotic stories is way down the priority list (I’m watching rain delayed racing from Texas Motor Speedway right now). Give it a few days.

Seriously, I thought your story was quite good. Your English is better than most native speakers. One thing you might try is writing in present tense instead of past tense. The story becomes more exciting for the reader because it places the reader directly into the story as it unfolds instead of actions that happened in the past.

Examples:

He was a tall, decently fit man.
He is a tall, decently fit man.

She gave me the ropes with a smile.
She gives me the ropes with a smile.

It’s a simple change but can be powerful by bringing the story alive.

64Fordman

[A Pensive Pen]

Hi Arkane,

Your story is very good, and I wouldn't worry too much about the GaggedUtopia ratings. My impression is that the community tends to have its specific tastes and not fully appreciate anything which falls outside them. Your story is well paced and you focus on the right details. I didn't see any excess fluff which made your story drag or anything like that.

If you want critique, I'd say that after reading about the husband in such detail, Vicky's domination seemed quick and light by comparison. If you were to continue this story, I'd want to know what exactly the narrator brings to this situation, since Vicky seems to be the one in control most of the time, hitting the hardest, choosing Pete's bondage, etc.

Still, it was a fun read, and the language was not an issue. Keep the stories coming!

[Arkane]

Thanks everybody. And yes, I, too, am under the impression that Gegged Utopia audience has its specific tastes, that is, maybe, more focused on M/F NC stuff (nothing wrong there).
Thanks for any suggestions (alas, the posting date is not my choice but by site's owner) I will keep them in mind.
As for Vicky's domination being light and not so severe, I know this. I considered focusing some more on her but I wanted to give the impression that she's driving the game.
She chooses a man to indulge on her light bondage fantasies (the narrator) and exploits her husband's submissive predisposition, probably to push him beyond what he really wanted. She's in control and she likes to play hard (when she's the dominant one).
Narrator's feelings are... what I think mine could be in such a situation. At least in this story (I don't know if a sequel is going to exist). Narrator doesn't want to lose a chance to have sex with a beautiful woman, at the same time he's not thrilled (maybe he is totally scared...) by the presence of the other guy, accepting it as a necessary evil to get what he wants.
The sub's pains awaken narrator's curiosity somehow, but the situation drives him to get his pleasure and go away. What's happening between wife and husband could be too much for his tastes.
Probably I didn't express his uneasiness clearly.

[MaxRoper]

I've gotten the idea that Utopia is generally a little "harder" than Gromet's. Perhaps your story was a bit too gentle for some of the readers at that site. I thought it was great.

Max

[Arkane]

@MaxRoper: thanks!