I believe it's possible to play the physical games, and enjoy them, without a deep feeling or investment in the fantasy of it. The physical sensation of restraint, or compression from rubber or spandex may appeal even without an interest in submission.
The mental process and the physical are different. I also believe it's possible to have a rich fantasy life, with domination and submission, without any physical component.
However, if you mix the two things, the mental and the physical, it is naturally going to be more intense. The combination of the two aspects leads to an intensity of experience that can easily be overwhelming, and is potentially, highly addictive.
If you mix those basic things with romantic love, with commitment, with deep care and empathy for the other, again, the experience takes on another aspect, gains another level of power. It's even more powerful, but if the long-term trust is there, it can also be safer.
All those things (physical, mental and emotional) can exist apart from each other, but if you put them together, it can become such an intense experience that everything else fades away, even when not explicitly in a sexual situation.
That may be a positive thing, but as we are often reminded in fiction, it's also dangerous. Society is not forgiving of people who give it insufficient attention, but that's not the biggest hazard, and not what we see in most stories.
Love is something that most people are nervous about getting into, they fear giving up control of their life, even if only partial, and they fear this for good reason. When others have power over you, they can hurt you, then can abuse or exploit you. It's possible for them to do damage, of various kinds, that you will not easily overcome, and that's assuming you are able to break free at all.
In the BDSM scenario, the power transfer is even greater than in normal relationships, and may even be an end in itself. The potential for hurt and long-lasting trauma is even greater than in regular relationships.
While the physical control in BDSM relationships is (typically) ritualized and codified, it may in some ways be safer than a conventional one. A dominant who has a defined way to vent their frustrations is less likely to act out in a violent and explosive manner, even when the relationship is strained. Still, when you set BDSM along side mainstream domestic violence, it's hard to explain the differences to somebody who isn't interested in understanding the nuances. Both conventional, and BDSM relationships can go wrong, and in both cases the consequences can be dangerous. Naturally, people are going to be cautious, but even so, these things do go wrong all the time.
It's a sad fact, but those most desperate for love and attention, are often those most vulnerable to harm and abuse. They are most likely to ignore warning signs, or deny the reality of an abusive relationship. This obviously applies to conventional relationships, but also BDSM.
So many of the erotic stories, found on the Plaza, and elsewhere, serve both as titillation, but also as cautionary tales. Time and again, we see stories where a submissive gets into a situation from which there is no escape. Time and again, we see situations where a person finds herself (or himself) in a sexual situation that she knows is bad for her. I'm not going to say it's all coercion and rape. Sure, there are stories like that, but there are many that are consensual, and yet the reader is well aware that there is usually a hidden pitfall for the protagonist, and they are going to fall deep into it.
Those stories rarely show the real traps of a BDSM life, for example, increasing obsession on one side coupled with fading interest on the other. It's the way many relationships fail. BDSM also has a path to disaster that rarely occurs in conventional situations: increasing obsession on both sides. But it's just like me to focus on the failures, on the dark parts. Of course, a relationship doesn't have to fail. Lots of people really do live "happily ever after".
It's my suspicion, that in many cases, the safest way to enjoy a BDSM life, is to keep it in the realm of fiction and fantasy. Even for those with long established relationships, and with deep trust on both sides, power games are not without risk. For people who are lonely, isolated, lacking self-esteem, or over-confident and prone to risk-taking behaviour, such games may have unhappy ends.
Particularly if you are younger, it's easy to get into a BDSM situation that goes wrong. For example, to find yourself fed up with a person who is scarily obsessed with a version of you that they invented in their head, and was never who you were. The rage and frustration they can feel when faced with a reality that contradicts their fantasy can be terrifying. But there are so many other ways.
My advice to anyone, of any age, is to make a good relationship first, then maybe, somewhere down the line, admit a little BDSM, but beware letting it become a major part of your relationship. I know that's probably not what most people here want to hear. I'm sure there are people on the Plaza who have been in intensely BDSM relationships for years, and been very happy and fulfilled by them.
It's complicated. But even with the best intentions, BDSM activities can lead to injuries, and gags are notorious for their choking risk, but perhaps it's still much safer than a conventional promiscuous lifestyle. Given the lack of reporting of deaths from BDSM activities (and I'm sure they would be loudly reported), it would seem you are more at risk of being shot by the police than choking or asphyxiating, so it may be that the awareness of that risk is largely preventing mishaps. However, I can speak from personal experience that it's a hobby not without its dangers.
I guess I've gone on at too much length, and drifted off the topic entirely, and even when I was on it, was probably stating the obvious. So I'll shut up now. I just meant to say, you can have any kind or relationship. Have the one you want, and if you're doing something dangerous, physically or emotionally, it's OK to be cautious.
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Topic: BDSM Relationship Dynamics (Read 11549 times)
