hand crafted bride

[trash princess]

M/m, M/f, M2f, reluctant, date

I stood in horrified shock as I held the letter in my shaking grasp, reading the impossible text over and over and over again. I wanted so desperately to deny the words I was reading, to pretend that it wasn’t for me. But try as I might, I couldn't reject reality.
FOR MR. ALEXANDER CHAPMAN: THANK YOU FOR ENLISTING IN THE FEDERAL REPRODUCTION PROGRAM. THIS NOTICE IS TO INFORM YOU OF THE APPROVAL OF YOUR PARTICIPATION IN THE PROGRAM. THIS IS NOT A SUMMONS. THIS IS TO NOTIFY ALL PARTIES INVOLVED OF YOUR PARTICIPATION. SHOULD YOUR NUMBER BE CALLED, YOU WILL CONTACTED BY AN ENFORCEMENT OFFICER. YOU WILL FOLLOW THEIR INSTRUCTIONS CLEARLY SO THAT YOUR FEMINIZATION CAN BEGIN WITHOUT ISSUE. COMPLIANCE IS MANDATORY. FAILURE TO COMPLY MAY RESULT IN PENALTIES RANGING FROM FINES TO PRISON TIME. THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION.
This didn’t make any sense. I’d specifically turned away the recruiter when she came to my school looking for potential recruits. There should have been no way for me to have been forcibly enlisted, after all, the voluntary enlistment rate had been high recently. There was no threat of a draft. The only way I could have been forcibly enlisted…
My heart suddenly sank as the realization dawned on me. Dropping the letter, I bolted down the hall to the kitchen, shouting for my mother in confused fury. “Mom!” my voice shuddered from the force of the tears i desperately choked back. “The mail…” I panted as I reached the threshold of the kitchen. My mother stood with her back to me, diligently working on our dinner for the evening. “There's a letter. Please, tell me you didn’t…”
   My mom froze for a moment before wiping her hands clean on a towel and turning toward me. My heart lurched at the sight of the guilty tears in her eyes. “Oh Alex…” I shook my head in horror as she approached me. “Baby, I had to. It was the only way to get your tuition paid for when you graduate!” I tried to turn away but she refused to let me, making me look her in the eyes. Grief dulled her usually bright gaze. She knew what she’d done. “I mean, sweetheart, it’s not like you’re likely to get called anyway! And - and even if you are, I mean, look at you…” she stepped back, looking me over as if sizing me up. “You’re perfect for the program!”
 I knew what she was referring to and I hated it. Standing at 5’8”, I’d always known I had a smaller build than your average 18 year old male. My face never seemed to want to grow any amount of hair, and the hair on my head seemed to grow out faster than I could cut it. I’d been called pretty, and very easily mistaken for a girl when I was younger. Some might even have called me a twink. A perfect candidate for the Forced Feminization program which had been implemented to compensate for the inexplicable lack of cis women being born in recent decades. But that was never a path I wanted to take. So long as a draft was never issued, I wanted nothing to do with the fascists who demanded a percentage of males under 30 be taken to be turned into submissive housewives.
And yet that choice had been taken away from me by my own mother.
“You had no right…” I managed to choke out the tears I held back. My mother scowled at that, seeming to tower over me.
“I had every right to secure your future. You and I both know your grades aren’t good enough for a scholarship. And you’ve never been one for sports, how else was I supposed to get you into college?” as she spoke she seemed to grow more and more angry, puffing out her chest in self-righteous fury. “I’ve done everything I could to guarantee you could live a happy fulfilling life, and even if they do call on you, it would still be so! I should know, I went through it myself!”
   She was right, of course, she had been through the feminization program, as had most women of this generation. And she was a happy woman, up until my father had left her. Now, the only goal she had in her  life was to try to make mine something she could be proud of.
Whether I liked it or not.
“Listen, Alex,” she said, starting to calm down as she sat me down at the nearby table. “I love you. You know I would do anything for you. But I can't do it all. Please. Don’t be mad at me. I only had your best interests at heart.”
I was mad at her. I didn’t think I would ever stop being mad at her. But at the same time, I understood. I hated it. But I understood.
One way or another, my mother had secured me a future. Which way that future went was no longer up to me.



Five years had passed since I received the notice. Five years since I’d graduated high school. I had taken a year to myself to gather my thoughts and decide what exactly I wanted to do with my life. I’d never quite known exactly what kind of career I wanted, all I knew for sure was I loved to cook.
It was something of an art for me. The way you could combine flavors, transforming a dish into something new, unique.
I could lose myself in the kitchen.
I guess that’s why, after graduating highschool, i found myself working the grill at a small town restaurant to pay my way through college. Tuition might have been covered by my involuntary enlistment into the Reproduction Program, but the college I chose was too far away for me to simply live at home.
I’d eventually learned to be sort of grateful for my mother’s actions, even if they still left a bitter taste in my mouth. After all, without her I never would have been able to attend culinary school.
The job I worked was decent, albeit stressful. My boss was a no nonsense woman, the kind that didn’t have to go through the program, who seemed to take a special interest in me. She appreciated my dedication to the kitchen and encouraged my studies, going so far as to give me time off to study when needed. She even let me experiment in the kitchen. So proud of me was she that she would occasionally bring me out to the floor to greet customers who insisted on meeting the chef.
This was always an embarrassment for me, as the customers, naturally, were almost always men.
And they always took a liking to me.
It wasn’t too bad, I could usually handle them and, as embarrassing as it was, I couldn't deny that I kind of enjoyed being the center of attention, even if it was because of my more feminine appearance. Even though I knew they were only interested in me because I was a twink who had not been claimed, I knew that the odds of them ever coming back were low.
That is until I met Adam.
It was a sunday evening and April, my boss, was out on the floor cleaning up after a slow day. I was in the kitchen, getting the grills cleaned when I heard the unmistakable DING DING of the front door swinging open. April greeted the guest, who must’ve sat down at the bar. I couldn’t quite tell what they were saying, but I could tell that the guest was, unsurprisingly, a man. A rather large man if his voice was anything to go by. It was deep. Almost primal in it’s sound as though it came from someone who was more beast than man. It made me feel small, and grateful that I was on this side of the wall. I could only imagine what a beast like him could do if he got his hands on-
“OW! FUCK!” I swore as pain exploded from the top of my knuckle. I’d gotten so distracted listening that I had accidentally slipped and touched the upper platen of the grill press with my knuckle. April popped her head into the kitchen to check on me, having heard my cursing.
   “Alex, love, you okay?” she asked, worry on her face.
“Yeah, I just burned myself. Got careless.'' I answered, going over to the sink and running lukewarm water over the burn. April rushed into the office, rooting through the first aid kit.
   “I’ve got some burn cream in here somewhere. Can you go out to the bar while I look for it? Customer out there just wants a coffee.”
My heart froze in my chest, knowing there was no way to avoid going out to meet this monster of a man. And I especially couldn’t let April know of my fears, she’d never let me hear the end of it. I steeled myself, letting out a shaky “yeah, yeah sure.” before slowly making my way out of the kitchen.
As I glanced back, I could swear I saw a smirk on April’s face.

“Hi there, you just needed a coffee, right?” I asked the man as I stepped sheepishly behind the bar. The man was every bit the monster his voice portrayed him to be. Even sitting at the bar he was still taller than me, which put his height at at least 6’2”. His large build suggested he was a laborer of some kind, maybe construction, or farm work. A clean beard framed his face, and barely concealed the smirk that crossed his lips.
“That’s right, doll.” He spoke, his voice now unimpeded, nearly sending me to my knees.
It was all I could do to hide the quiver in my voice as I turned my back to him, unable to meet his gaze.
“Um - right away. Would you, uh - would you like any cream or sugar?” I asked as I stumbled through setting up the coffee machine, my nerves turning a task I could do in my sleep into a near impossible riddle.
“Yeah, I’ll take 2 cream, and…3 sugars please.” he replied calmly. I could practically feel his eyes boring into my back as I worked. “And, uh, take your time.” I took that to heart, taking a deep breath as I kept my eyes on the coffee machine, watching it brew at an agonizingly slow pace. I tried desperately to focus on the coffee, to forget about the beast behind me, just inches away. fuck Alex, get it together! He’s just another customer! I took a deep breath, my heart finally managing to slow to a more reasonable pace when the man spoke again, sending a jolt up my entire body.
“So what’s your name, doll?” he asked, that smirk never leaving his voice. I managed to choke out a response, silently commanding the coffee to brew faster. It never even occurred to me that I’d give him my actual name, Alexander, not until later. Usually I gave customers a nickname, it helped dissuade them from seeking me out in the Reproduction Registry. I could practically feel his smirk widen into a proper smile.
   “Alexander. I like that name. It’s the name of a conqueror. You don’t mind if I call you Alex, do you? Or I could just keep calling you doll.”
I took a shuddering breath, relief flooding my entire body as the coffee finally finished brewing. I took the mug out, fumbling with the sugar cubes as I plopped them in, dropping one in my haste to finish his drink. Finally, it was ready. I hurriedly handed it to him, prepared to dart back into the kitchen when he suddenly grabbed my hand, turning it so the top was visible.
“You’re hurt!” he noted, concern evident in his voice.
“It’s nothing, just a light burn. April’s getting me medicine for it……” My voice trailed off as I found myself focusing on the feel of my hand in his. The difference in size was undeniable, with my own hand fitting almost neatly in the palm of his. It was coarse. Rough from the work he did. So lost in the feeling was i that I didn't even realize he’d been talking until he placed a little bottle of burn cream on the counter.
“May i?” he asked. I couldn’t bring myself to speak, so I only nodded. He deftly dispensed a tiny amount of the soothing lotion onto his finger and began to tenderly massage it into the wound. A tiny whimper escaped my throat at the sting of the lotion before it’s soothing effects began to take hold, eliciting a soft sigh of relief. My eyes remained fixed on our hands intertwined as he worked, though I could feel him watching me.
All too soon it was over. He released my hand and grabbed his coffee, taking a sip. I offered up a meek thank you, holding my hand close to my chest as it now felt strangely cold, as though it was missing something. I turned to hurry back to the kitchen, refusing to look him in the eyes, only to stop as he called out to me. “Hey!” he said in mock indignation. “You never asked my name.”
   I turned to face him finally, finally meeting his gaze. “What - what is your name?” I stammered.
“Adam.” came his response.
“Adam.” I echoed, his name sounding infuriatingly delightful on my tongue. “Pleasure to meet you Adam.”
“Please.” he practically purred, sending shivers down my spine. “The pleasure was all mine.” With that, he rose from his seat, tossing a twenty on the counter. “You have a lovely night, doll.” he said before turning and strolling out the door.
That night, between fits of restlessness, I dreamed only of the large, powerful man wrapping me in his arm and holding me close, safe from all the dangers of the world.



It had been two weeks and, much to my relieved dismay, Adam had not come back. It was for the best. Without him around I could relax, focus on my work and my studies. It didn’t escape my notice, however, that ever since my meeting Adam April had yet to bring me out to meet guests. I knew that some of them had become repeat customers, occasionally asking for me, but April seemed disinterested in their requests. Needless to say, i was grateful for this change. It meant i spent more time in the kitchen doing what I loved, and less time being eye candy for a bunch of men who were no doubt fantasizing about putting in a ticket for me with the Reproduction Program.
Still, April couldn’t keep me away from the public for long. Even though my shift ended late, there was always the chance that I’d have to walk past lingering customers. And there were always customers sitting by the hallway leading to the bathroom.
This, of course, led to an incident that stayed with me for quite a while.

“April, imma take five!” I called back to April as she picked up the latest customer’s order. I turned to my coworker, a man by the name of Jordan. “I’ll be right back.”
   “No worries, we’re slowing down anyway.” Jordan responded as i made my way toward the floor. The fool. He should have known better than to speak such forbidden language in a kitchen. you’ve doomed us all! I thought jokingly to myself as i stepped into the hallway leading to the bathrooms past a table of rowdy guys, all of whom seemed to keep their eyes locked on me. I did my best to ignore them.
It didn’t do me much good on my way back out.
“Hey pretty boy.” one of them called out as i passed once again. I tried to pick up the pace, only to be yanked back painfully as one of them grabbed my wrist.
“Hey c’mon, don’t be like that.” said the guy who had grabbed me. “We’ve missed seeing you around, i thought you liked us!”
I turned to face them, my heart slamming in my chest as i desperately tried to think of a way out of this. I recognized two of them. James and Ethan i think their names were. I stammered, trying to defuse the situation. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to be rude i just have to get back to work-”
   “Aw, c’mon, stay a while. You never come out to talk to any of us anymore.” Ethan said. “It’s almost like you’re avoiding us!”
   I glanced back desperately, looking for April. She was on the other side of the restaurant, laughing with another group of customers as she served them. She seemed to have no idea of the situation unfolding.
“You know, you’re far too pretty to be stuck in a place like this.” James said as he rose from his seat. “If you give me your registry number, i could find you easy enough in the recruitment list and…make your life so much better.” he reached out, grabbing my chin as i whimpered, trying to pull away.
“Please stop…” i managed to squeak.
“Oh c’mon, darling, don’t be like that.” he smirked, leaning in close. “Or rather do keep being like that. With that behavior you honestly make a much more convincing girl than-”
“The boy asked you to stop.” the familiar voice cut through the panic, sending a burst of electricity through my body. Even after a couple weeks I could still recognize Adam’s terrifying, unyielding voice. Ethan and Jordan both looked up to see the man towering behind me, and they both cautiously let me go.
“Or what?” Ethan challenged as he too stood up.
Before anyone else could react i felt Adams arms wrap me up from behind, pulling me close to his chest. “You don’t want to find out.” he growled. It was strange. I’d never expected i could feel safe in the presence of a man like Adam, yet here i was. Arms almost as thick as tree trunks, holding me tight while he leveled his threats toward those who would do me harm. Begrudgingly, i felt what could only be described as gratitude, and…
Adoration?
That didn’t make any sense to me. My entire behavior around Adam made no sense. I was a man, a man who was only interested in women. I wasn’t supposed to feel like this, especially not toward someone like Adam who could never be in the feminization program.
I shook my head slightly, trying to clear it. I couldn’t quite hear what was being said, but i felt Adam turn slightly, his grip loosening so that i could flee. It took every ounce of will power i had to pull myself away from is comforting embrace and disappear back into the kitchen. Notably, Adam did not try to stop me.
Several moments passed before i was able to finally calm myself. At some point, April had caught wind of what was happening and kicked the trouble makers out. Even so, i couldn’t bring myself to come out of the kitchen.
Nor could i focus on cooking, either.
I found myself idly rooting through our spices, unsure of what i was looking for. Maybe i wasn’t looking for anything. The only thing on my mind was Adam, his arms wrapped around me protectively.
Treacherously, my mind, my heart, wanted nothing more than to rush back into his arms.
It made no sense.
“Alex!” April’s voice called out, a mixture of irritation and concern. I snapped out of my trance, looking up to realize I’d rearranged the spices in alphabetical order.
   “Yeah what’s up April?” i asked, trying to save face.
“You okay?” she asked, stepping into the kitchen. “You’ve been rearranging the spices for the past twenty minutes.” i didn’t respond at first, instead turning toward the expo window.
“Yeah yeah, i’m fine.” i replied unconvincingly.
April, of course, saw right through me. “Hey. why don’t you go out to the bar and chat with Adam, hmm? I think at the very least a thank you is in order.”
“Yeah right. A thank you.” i scoffed irritably. “For what? Manhandling me? Stepping into a situation i had well in hand? I didn’t ask for his help!”
April smiled knowingly, walking up to me. “Oh yes, you had the situation well in hand. If Adam hadn’t stepped in you’d have wound up in their trunk or something.”
“Like you’d let that happen.” i retorted sheepishly.
“No, but i also didn’t realize what was happening until Adam got involved. You gotta stop being so…independent. It’s okay to ask for help, love.”
I sighed, shaking my head as i turned to face her. Finally, without a word, i brushed past her, making my way out to the bar.
Most of the customers by now had left. Adam sat at the bar, chatting with Jordan, who seemed quite interested in him. Adam, on the other hand, was only mildly interested in Jordan, clearly not reciprocating what Jordan was offering, much to my satisfaction.
It was infuriating.
As i walked around behind the bar, Adam seemed to perk up, his eyes locking onto me like a hunter. Warmth spread across my cheeks as i blushed, trying not to make eye contact. “I uh…” i slowly made my way over to him. “Thank you. For, y’know. Earlier.”
Adam smiled, shaking his head. “No need to thank me, Alex.” My heart seemed to skip a beat, having expected him to call me doll like usual, only to feel a strange emptiness when he didn’t.
It made no sense.
I cleared my throat, turning to the coffee maker. “So, uhm…coffee again?”
Adam nodded, smiling. “Yup. coffee. 2 cream, 3 sugar." Once more he kept his eyes on me while I worked, a watchful predator that had found his prey. My nerves shot through the roof yet again, though this time i managed the coffee machine with a little more precision than a toddler. I actually managed to avoid dropping the sugar this time. I once more handed him the coffee and he thanked me, taking my hand once again. He turned it to look at my wound from a couple weeks ago, and smiled. “It’s healed up nicely. Can’t even tell there was ever a burn.”
“I-yeah. I guess. Thank you, again.” i stammered out.
“Oh of course.” he said, looking over my hand as if examining it. “It was no big deal at all. After all, it wouldn't do for a beauty like you to get all marked up, now can we?”
My heart lurched at that, as though I’d just taken off into the sky. I'd been called pretty before. Attractive, sexy even. But not once has anyone ever called me beautiful
There was almost a reverence to the word. As though it was sacred and he meant it, with no ulterior motives.
For the first time in my life i actually enjoyed the feminine compliments of another man.
And I wanted him to do it again.
I suddenly snatched my hand away, mentally swatting away the feelings that had suddenly flooded me. I wasn’t supposed to feel these things, not for a man. It made no sense.
It made no sense.
“Right, um…” I cleared my throat as i backed away, almosts knocking over the coffee maker as i backed into it. “Can i get you anything else or…”
“This is perfect, thank you.” he smiled, raising the glass to me before taking a sip. He met my gaze, a knowing look in his eyes, as though he could read every thought i was desperately trying to crush and bury. I feared that if he looked any longer, he’d know my every thought, my every dream.
And so i turned and i ran.
Quickly disappearing back into the kitchen, i threw my apron onto the hook and declared i was clocking out. Before April could say a word, i was out the door, halfway down the street as i continued to fight the feelings that were battling inside me.
It made no sense.
It made no sense.
It made. No. Sense.


to be continued...

[trash princess]

“Alex, love, are you okay?”
"I'm fine, April. I just wasn’t feeling well."
April had called me the next morning, checking on me. It wasn't like me to just bolt like i had last night.
“Are you sure? You ran out the door like you were being chased."
“I'm sure." I replied as i got up out of bed and went to my closet, throwing it open. I began rooting through some clothes to try to find something I could wear to class that day. My wardrobe was kind of empty, with only a handful of shirts and two pairs of pants all thrown in my closet haphazardly. I picked out a simple blue shirt and proceeded to get ready, putting my phone on speaker and setting it on my bed. “Look, April. I appreciate you calling to check on me, but I'm fine. Honest. I'll be at work tonight like usual, okay? You don't have to worry about me.”
There was silence on the other end as April thought for a moment while I undressed and started to put on my shirt. When she finally spoke again, her voice was quiet. "Did Adam say something to you? I can ban him from the restaurant if that'll-”
"NO!” I nearly shouted, and suddenly panicked, immediately getting tangled up in my shirt. I struggled to pull it down over my head before picking up my phone again, clearing my throat before speaking again, calmly this time. “No. That's okay, April, he didn't do anything wrong."
I could practically hear the smirk in April's voice as she spoke again. “Oh he didn't, huh? Well I do hope he becomes a regular. He seems to have taken quite the liking to you."
I groaned at that. April had a habit of trying to hook me up with the guys who came through the restaurant, never seeming to grasp the idea that I just wasn't into men. “Oh don't be like that." April laughed, having heard my groan. “You like him too, I can tell."
“If by ‘like’ you mean I’m ‘scared to death of’ then sure! I like him." A bright feeling seemed to bubble up in my chest as I uttered the words, which I quickly crushed down. It almost felt to me like an admission. “Look, I don't mind him but I never want to see Ethan and James ever again."
“Already done, Alex," April responded. “I've put them on the list in the office, and informed Kristy not to let them in or serve them. You won't have to deal with them ever again."
I sighed in relief. The fear of last night still rattled around in my head. Embarrassment of having to be saved. The helplessness. I never wanted anyone to have so much power over me ever again.
“Thank you, April.” i said. After that, the conversation turned to small talk. The weather, what i could expect from class today, how well we’d slept the night before. Before long, it was time for me to go, so we said our goodbyes, i hung up, and headed out the door.



“Alex, how long on that bacon swiss burger hun?”
"coming up in 10. Had to refill the seasoning.”
"Alright, hurry it up. Table 12 is getting restless."
It had been a long, stressful night at work. It seemed the local highschool had a big game that pulled in more customers than our humble business was used to. As a result, I hadn't had more than a couple seconds peace between rushes.
Several hours into the shift and I was already exhausted.
“Bacon Swiss Burger is up!" I called as I finished the sandwich and handed it out the expo window. A flurry of motion caught my eye at the entrance and my heart fluttered excitedly as a hulking figure walked in. My breath caught for a moment, only for me to sigh in disappointed relief as the man turned, showing his face. What the hell is wrong with me? I shook my head, turning my attention back to the grill. The rest of the night, my attention flitted back to the entrance every time I heard the door open, only to immediately return my attention back to my work. I wanted to pretend that I didn't know what, or who, I was hoping would walk through the door, but I knew.
It was infuriating how badly I hoped to see Adam tonight.
The shift ended uneventfully with my hopes unfulfilled. Adam never showed. The feeling of relief warred with the insurmountable disappointment, both vying to be the one to steer my thoughts for the night and leaving me in a whirlwind of confused emotion. I was so distracted trying to get my thoughts in order that i wasn't paying attention to my surroundings as i locked up the shop for the night and turned to walk away, only to immediately run face first into what felt like a fleshy brick wall. I stumbled back, apologizing profusely as i turned away, only for my heart to stop and lightning to shoot through my veins as i heard his voice.
“Where you running off to so quickly, Alex?" I turned slowly, locking eyes with Adam for a brief moment before immediately looking away.
“H-home.” I managed to stammer.
"awe, at this time of night?” Adam scoffed. "That’s no fun. Hey c'mon, why don't you join us. Morgan and i were just about to head to the bar to grab a couple drinks.” It wasn't until just now that i noticed Adam wasn't alone. Next to him stood another man, this one only slightly shorter than Adam, and nowhere near as intimidating as him. He waved at me with a smirk, glancing over at Adam.
"you gonna introduce me to your friend or do i have to do everything around here?" He said to Adam in a cheeky voice.
Adam chuckled, throwing an arm around his friend. “Of course. Morgan, this is Alex. He's the cook at this here fine establishment.” He gestured toward the now locked up restaurant. "Pretty damned good one, too. Alex, this is my good friend Morgan. He and i work together at the shipyard.”
I raised an eyebrow at this, ignoring the fluttering in my chest at Adam’s praise. Instead, i focused on the rest of his introduction, focusing on his statements of his line of work. I figured Adam had a physically demanding job. And a shipyard no less. No wonder he seemed so strong…
I quickly shook the thought from my head. “Right, uh…well it was lovely meeting you Morgan. Good seeing you, Adam. I'm just gonna…” my voice trailed off as i turned, stepping away to leave. Adam called out, his voice seeming to wrap me up and stop me in my tracks. I couldn’t defy him even if I wanted to.
“Perhaps you didn't hear me: I'd like for you to join us." I stopped, turning back to face him. I was grateful for the dim light, as i feared that my face would betray my thoughts. Grabbing drinks…with Adam of all people…”i really don't think i have the time-"
“Nonsense." Adam laughed, throwing his free arm around my shoulder causing me to squeak in surprise. “C'mon, doll.” A burst of euphoria radiated through me before fading away. "Just a couple drinks. It's not like you got class tomorrow or anything, and the restaurants closed saturdays anyways so no work either. C'mon, live a little."
I hadn’t been to a bar or a club in years. I tended to avoid such places as they were full of people who were on the lookout for people like me, hoping to snag someone on the registry and call them in. It felt like the perfect environment to throw my manhood out the window.
But for some reason, with Adam’s arm around me, knowing I’d be in his company, i felt…safe. As though there was nothing to fear. And it had been quite a long time since I'd gone out and had some fun. Hell, i just might even enjoy myself. And I'd be lying to myself if i said i didn't really want to spend a little time with Adam outside of work.
Begrudgingly, i smiled, relaxing a bit. “Okay fine. But…just one drink, then i really have to go home.”



The bar Adam took us to was quaint, to say the least, and not at all what i expected. Art hung on the walls in the hallway, which wrapped around the main room. The main bar area was no bigger than a large closet, with only four tables in the entire room. The bar itself was only long enough to seat four people, and behind it, a couple worked diligently to serve their two customers already seated there. Morgan sat at one of the back tables while Adam pulled a chair out for me. I thanked him, sitting down as i thought to myself i can pull out my own chair…Adam took up a seat next to me, and i became acutely aware of how close he was. He struck up conversation with Morgan, talking about their day, but i could barely focus on what they were saying. My body thrilled at the feeling of being so close to him. My heart threatened to burst free from my chest as i drank in his scent, a mixture of sweat, grease, saw dust, and a faint hint of cologne. The smell of his day at work. I expected to find his scent repulsive.
Instead i found myself craving more and more.
I closed my eyes for a moment and counted to 3, trying to refocus. Turning my attention to the menu in front of me, i decided the best course of action was to decide what i was going to have.
I didn't realize Adam had been calling my name until he nudged me gently. “Earth to Alex. You good, doll?” There it was again. Doll. For the life of me i had no idea why it affected me the way it did. Coming from anyone else i would have rolled my eyes. Coming from him, i couldn't help but shrink slightly, trying to hide from the joy it made me feel. i wanted to hear it over and over.
I never wanted to hear it again.
I nodded. “Yeah, yeah, I'm good.” My voice shook slightly as i spoke.
"i was asking what you were gonna get. If you've never been here before i can always pick for ya. I think i can nail down your taste pretty easily.”
I raised an eyebrow at this, looking up at Adam. "oh you think so?” I smirked, for the first time feeling confident. "alright how about a bet. If you don't get it right you gotta pay for all three of us.”
Morgan let out an impressed whistle. "i like the sound of that.”
Adam smirked, looking me dead in the eyes and suddenly, my confidence wavered. "alright then, doll."  He reached out, gently grabbing my chin to make me meet his gaze, and once more i remembered how small and helpless i was before him. “But if I win, you…” he paused thoughtfully, clearly wondering what he could possibly want. “give me your number.”
My heart skipped a beat at the thought of giving another man my number. But by this point I’d already made the bet. It would be a bad look to back out now. Or at least that’s what i told myself as i managed to squeak out a timid "D-deal,” unable to tear my eyes away from his.
He smirked, finally getting up and making his way to the counter. I turned my attention to the table, suddenly taking great interest in the swirling shapes and colors in the wood. Morgan chuckled, shaking his head.
“Ah, you're so fucked." He said, smirking as he watched me.
“Why do you say that?" I asked meekly, never once looking up from the table.
Morgan sat up, folding his hands together on the table. His eyes never left me. “Simple. Because you want to lose this bet."
I looked up, shocked at the accusation, but before i could deny it, Adam returned, carrying three drinks. He handed Morgan his, then set his own down. “just a simple whiskey for me, and for you…a White Russian. Enjoy.” He sat down, watching me as i gingerly flicked the straw around in the glass. "well? Go ahead doll. Give it a taste.”
I took the straw in my mouth, slowly sipping it. The flavor flooded my mouth, rich, creamy, with only a hint of the alcohol within. My cheeks flushed red as i realized i did, in fact, like what he'd picked for me.
We had a bet, and i was gonna have to give him my number.
Or was I?
After all, there was no way for him to know for sure whether or not i liked the drink he’d chosen for me. I could just as easily lie as tell the truth and he’d have no recourse.
All i had to do was lie.
To Adam.
I opened my mouth, prepared to insist that it was the most disgusting thing I’d ever drank, but the words caught in my throat. I couldn’t decide if it was morality, a sense of honor or pride, or fear of Adam that held me back.
Most likely, though, it was simply that i didn’t want to miss an excuse to give Adam my number.
I sighed, holding out my hand as i asked for Adam’s phone.
With a smirk, he handed it to me and i quickly punched my number into his contacts. Quickly i handed the phone back to him, only to jump as he grabbed my hand along with his phone. I looked up in surprise, meeting his gaze as he gave me a knowing look.
“Thank you, Alex love.” he said, a satisfied smirk on his face, as though he was fully aware of the war that had raged in my mind, and the conscious decision i had made. This was what he’d wanted all along.
With my face bright red, and my stomach doing summersaults, i turned my attention back to my drink and proceeded to lose myself to the night.



I awoke the next morning to find myself in bed, covers pulled over me as though I’d been tucked in. on the nightstand next to me was a glass of water with a pair of advil. I groaned, dropping back into bed as i held my head. The room seemed to not want to decide which way was up, while drums pounded away in my head. I forced myself to sit up, quickly taking the advil, and immediately threw myself back down into bed, holding back tears from the pain. Gradually, the advil kicked in, and i managed to roll out of bed, a partially functional human being. I made my way to the kitchen, throwing open the fridge and squinting into the light as i looked for something, anything to settle my stomach.
“You look like shit.”
I scowled, turning toward the sound of the voice to find Keith, my roommate, who stood in the corner with a cup of coffee in hand and an amused expression on his face. I rolled my eyes at him, slamming the fridge shut. “Yeah who asked you?” i grumbled, grabbing a couple slices of bread and popping them into the toaster. “What happened last night?” i asked, still not entirely sure how i got home.
Keith shrugged slightly as he stepped into the kitchen. “No idea. All i know is you came home stupid drunk with a man almost twice your size who was carrying you like a fucking princess or some shit.” Keith took a sip of his coffee, watching me with an inquisitive expression. “If i didn’t know any better I’d say you went out a got yourself a boyfriend. I thought you didn’t like men.”
I looked up to lock eyes with him, glaring as i pondered whether i should respond or not. We stood there for a moment, the silence only broken by the sharp DING of the toaster as it ejected my toast. I gasped, the sound seeming to pierce through my skull for a moment before finally settling. Keith smirked, shaking his head as he grabbed a plate, handing it over as i retrieved the toast.
“So who was he?” he asked, watching me stumble about the kitchen as i looked for the butter.
“Nobody.”
“Nobody?” he scoffed, disbelief evident in his voice. “Right. “Nobody” just so happened to show up on our doorstep, carrying you in his arms like you were the most precious thing in the world.”
I blushed at that description, but nodded. “Yup. that about sums it up.”
“You’re not fooling anyone, you’re dating him aren’t you?”
“I’m not.” i made my way out of the kitchen toward the bathroom, deciding to bring the toast with me as keith followed, pestering me with his questions. I just wanted to get away from him and take a nice, relaxing bath.
“How long have you known this guy for?”
“I don’t.”
“Does this mean you’re bi then?”
“Nope.”
“Does your mom know about him?”
“We’re not dating, Keith.”
Suddenly, keith stopped in front of the bathroom, blocking my path with an almost manic look in his eyes. “Are you gonna go through the program?”
I froze, having not expected him to ask that. “I-what?”
“I mean, c’mon, it’s no secret that you’re in the program. Everyone in class knows you’re enlisted. Some of us are actually taking bets on whether or not you’re gonna get called up.” i glared at Keith, though it didn’t phase him. you mother fucker i thought as he continued. “So are you?”
A confusing mixture of shock, longing, denial, and embarrassment swirled through my head as i continued to hold Keith’s gaze, my mouth opening and closing as i tried to find an adequate response. In the end, i chose to brush past him, slamming the bathroom door closed as i stepped inside and sank to the floor. I closed my eyes, trying in vain to untangle my chaotic emotions, but it was no use. There was nothing more to do but to get up, strip down…
And take a nice long, hot bath.
While the tub filled, i grabbed the plate of toast and sat against the door, quietly munching on my breakfast. I took a deep breath, the sound of the rushing water filling my head, and finally took the moment to relax. Keith’s questions echoed in my mind. I’m not bi. I thought to myself. I’m pretty sure I’m not into Adam. He’s just really nice, that’s all. For every question Keith asked, i had an answer. Or at least i thought i did. There was just one question Keith had asked that continued to roll around in my head. ”are you gonna go through the program?” no, of course not, i don’t wanna be a woman. I responded to myself. But unlike all the other times I’d been asked that question, this time my answer felt hollow.
As if i didn’t actually mean it.
but what if Adam wants you to? What if it would make him like you?
I don’t care what Adam wants, I’m not looking for a relationship with him.
but you like him, don’t you?
yeah, sure, whatever. I like him like i like April, and my other friends. He’s charming, he’s kind…
he’s really fucking hot.
I groaned as I stood up, glaring at myself in the mirror. Before, my reflection had always brought forth complex, mostly negative emotions. But now, looking at myself in the mirror with these thoughts swirling through my head, i began to understand what everyone had always said.
I was pretty.
The soft, feminine features of my face that I’d always hated before suddenly seemed right. My thin, petite build was perfect for being picked up and treated like…like a fucking princess or some shit. I swore as the image of keith opening our front door to see Adam carrying me bridal filled my head. My cheeks flushed red as i pictured my delicate frame, nestled tenderly in the arms of the giant I’d come to know as Adam. An indescribable feeling that i could only call euphoria began to bubble up inside, starting in my gut and radiating all throughout my body, every cell alive. Aching. Slowly, an uncomfortable truth began to dawn on me.  I’d always said i was only into women, but yet I’d never sought a relationship with any. I’d always avoided social places, but the truth was it wasn’t just to avoid my number being claimed, it was because i was afraid of falling for a man who would claim it.
A man like Adam.
You like Adam
fuck. I like Adam.
As if on cue, my phone vibrated, having received a message. I groaned, forcing myself to stand up straight and brush aside my fantasies. I grabbed my phone from where I’d set it down on the counter and opened my messenger, seeing one new message from a number i didn’t recognize.
“Hey, doll.” The message said, bringing a smile to my face. ”it’s Adam. just wanted to check on you, make sure you’re okay. Message me when you get this?”
I set the phone aside. It would be all too easy to just ignore the text. Easier still to block his number and have April ban him from the restaurant. I smiled slightly as i imagined the satisfaction of taking back some semblance of control in my life, but the satisfaction was short lived.
I knew i couldn’t do that. I’d miss Adam way too much.
With a sigh, i picked up my phone once more, shooting Adam a quick reply. ”head is killing me, but I’m okay. Thank you for bringing me home. I didn’t do anything too crazy did i?”
With that, i made my way over to the now full tub to turn the water off. Another vibration and i looked down to see Adam’s response. ”nah, you were actually super affectionate. I like drunk Alex, all you wanted was to be held. It was actually super cute.”
Warmth spread across my face as i blushed, reading the message over and over again. I wasn’t sure how to respond, let alone how to feel. you were cute. Cute.
Adam thinks I’m cute
”oh. Haha, i hope i wasn’t too much.” I replied, trying in vain to ignore the delightful joy i had in my heart.
I waited, the vibration coming pretty quickly after my message.
”oh no, not at all. I had a great time. Just hopefully next time you can hold your liquor a little better, yeah?”
I couldn’t help but smile, not just at the thought of my new friends having a good time with me, but that Adam wanted to do it again. I shouldn’t feel like this.
but you do. It feels good right? Then shut up and trust it.
I took a deep breath as i slid into the tub and sent another response.
”yeah, hopefully.”
”you do want to do this again some time, right?”
I didn’t need to think much about the response. “yeah, of course.”
As my finger hit send, my heart lurched, as though I’d launched myself across a chasm with no guarantee of reaching the other side. The seconds ticked by for an eternity before, finally, Adam responded.
”excellent. Maybe next time I’ll take you back to my place”
I didn’t think my cheeks could get any more red. ”hey now, slow down a bit, you know i’m not into guys, right?”
”Oh? Well that’s quite alright, I’m not into guys either."
I narrowed my eyes, squinting at the phone as i read and re read his response over and over again.
then why does he flirt with me??? I wondered to myself. or am i just misreading his intentions?
”ah. Well..good. Glad we understand each other.” I responded unconvincingly as the disappointment began to settle. ”so, uh…tell me what did i miss last night while i was too drunk to know i was alive?”
”not much.” Adam responded, prepared to tell me all about our night out. I smiled, practically melting into the tub. It was quiet, finally, with the only sounds being the water lapping against the surface, and the occasional vibrations of my phone as Adam and i talked through the morning.


To be continued…