Plaza Forum
Packaged & Encasement => Packaged Website Stories Feedback => Topic started by: Gromet on August 24, 2016, 09:02:07 pm
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You can view the story here on the plaza:
http://www.packagedstories.net/storieslr/preciousmarissa.html
M/f; denial; sex; naked; bond; entomb; first; gag; intubate; pain; spank; rope; toys; transported; reluct/nc; X
Part 2: Marrisa's Story
http://www.packagedstories.net/storieslr/preciousmarissa2.html
M/f; denial; sex; fpov; naked; bond; entomb; first; gag; intubate; pain; spank; rope; toys; transported; reluct/nc; X
Please feel free to leave your kind comments & feedback here about this story.
Thanks ;)
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Dana,
Just read the story. Good story line, nice progression. Your writing style is just a bit rough, mainly in your punctuation, but that's not unusual for someone who's just started writing. To be honest, it's a much better effort than my first stories. I look forward to seeing how your writing style evolves going forward. I see quite a bit of potential there, and I would very much like to see how Marissa handles her time in camp,as well as her return home. Keep up the good work.
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Thank you Lobo!
I do have a bit of a problem with an overusage of comma's, however, when I read it to myself, (just like here) it sounds to me as if there should be a pause in the sentence to prevent it from sounding as a run-on sentence.
I also have a habit of using semi-colons too much; but, again, I hear a pause and think the sentence does not express my intent should I not break it into parts.
Thanks for the encouragement Lobo. I will have to refresh myself on the proper usage of comma's and semi-colons.
Dana -- EPL
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Hi EPL,
I have to agree with Lobo, your writing is a lot better than my first efforts and has great promise. I am a fan of packaged stories and would like to offer one critique of this story. If you compare your story to Lobo’s ‘A Case for Chastity’, you will notice Lobo’s story is told from the perspective of the character being packaged. Nowhere in ‘Precious Marissa’ do we get Marissa’s point of view on what is happing to her. This may be an important element to other packaged story fans as well. Keep writing.
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Thanks for the compliments Fordman.
Actually, when I wrote the story, I was (and still am) thinking of making it two stories, one from Kevin's point of view and the other from Marissa's point of view. So, I stuck with just the single point of view to see how the format would fly.
I actually used to write quite a bit, and had actually had great reviews from my profs in college, however, since my stroke four years ago writing has been a slow climb back up. Luckily it was a minor one, but my writing skills suffered due to it.
Again, thanks for the compliments and the critique...any help to allow me to get back to writing is greatly appreciated.
Dana -- EPL
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Hi EPL,
Sorry to hear about your health troubles, I’m sure writing is better therapy than any doctor could prescribe.
Writing the story from both points-of-view sounds like a great idea.
It’s funny you mention college. I was taking a business writing class as part of my degree and not doing well, only averaging a C grade. For the final I had two hours to write a proposal to remodel a radio station. I already figured I would be taking this class over which must have relieved my self-conscience doubts about my writing, so when I proposed installing carpet I pointed out how the female employees like to remove their heels in the office. I think the student in front of me was dangling her shoe, you know how woman are with that.
Well Prof. Ernest Hemmingway’s Beard must have had a foot fetish or something because I got an A on the final and a B+ for the course. (I bet Ms. Shoe Dangler got an A) So that’s how sex sent me to the graduation ceremony. Thanks for helping me recall a fond memory.
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That's cool Fordman! Nailed it!
My health is better. But thanks for the empathy. The stroke was minor and only took some of my short-term memory and my word recollection. I have some trouble with remembering the proper words and how to structure sentences. It wiped out, and, I can not ingrain the types of words anymore...ex. verb, adjective, etc. It also gave me a slight form of dyslexia.
Writing is doing better than my therapy did. I still get frustrated though.
Dana -- EPL
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***UPDATE***
Marissa's side of what she is going through has been sent to Gromet for posting at his convenience and wish. I still have plans to follow Marissa through her training and after her initial return home.
Thank you for your patients as I lead Marissa through her journey to becoming a permanent submissive.
Dana -- EPL
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Well done Dana, I felt like I was reading Marissa’s diary secretly sharing in her private thoughts on her experience.
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Thank you Fordman. I hoped having Kevin and Marissa's point of views separated into two stories would work. I may use the same style when Marissa finally returns home.
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I read her pov first and got so sad. Then I read this one and it made me feel better. Very good story.
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Thank you for the response Femboy. Both stories culminate into showing that what Kevin is doing to his wife is just as hard on him as it is on her...if not harder. He is actually following what Marissa wants and desires, just in an extreme way.
I'm sorry that Marissa's side of it made you sad. However, as a writer, it is my hope to have the readers feel something when they read my stories other than just being something to read. I'm glad that your sadness did not turn you away from reading the other side of the coin and get to understand that Kevin is simply giving Marissa what he discovered she wished for.
Thank you again,
Dana
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It almost did stop me from reading his side. Lol. But then I thought about how he seemed to not really want to do it I decided "maybe he's got a good reason for doing this. Let's see where he's sending her."
Part of what gets to me in stories like this is the idea that someone you loved or trusted doesn't want you anymore and decided to get rid of you as if you were some kind of tool, or garbage to be disposed of. I'm strange like that. Lol. I like stories like that but at the same time they break my heart. Lol
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I will tell you Femboy, what Kevin is doing to Marissa is really tearing him up. He loves Marissa and absolutely does not want to get rid of her. The time she is gone will be the toughest time he can possibly imagine. He is also scared of what she will be like when she comes back. But, from what he found out on the computer, she has wanted something similar to this for a long time. Maybe not this extreme, but, he searched to find the highest rated and respected BDSM training camp money can buy. It was the camp that told him how she would be sent there and how they would send her back. Believe me, Kevin would've much rather put her on an airplane in first class to get her there.
I'm glad you decided to read on. When I get around to writing about her time in the camp, with glimpses into Kevin while she is there, it will pretty much be a normal BDSM style story. As for when she gets home, I will examine how they both cope with her new lifestyle from each of their points of view.
Dana
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Ah. I was picturing her being sent to a camp that would essentially break her to teach her to be submissive. I'm even more relieved to know that's not the case.
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Unfortunately Femboy, yes, the camp is going to break her (somewhat) and mold her into a submissive slave. It was what Kevin found that she wants. The camp is design to turn slaves (male or female) into submissive's for their Master or Mistress. What Kevin is unsure of is if he can be the kind of Master Marissa hopes for. He will be doing a lot of studying up on being a proper BDSM Master for her. However, as she is going to be broken and remolded, he is worried about how she will be mentally after her return.
So, you were actually correct in your first belief of what the camp is about and the purpose of sending her there.
Dana
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Awes. Well now I'm sad again. *pouts* but that's okay. It won't stop me from reading the next ones. ^-^